>be fat
>go to /fit/ and find a solution
>main problem is i eat like a dumpster
>apparently things with loads of fiber is going to save my filthy soul
>"Fiber is digested slowly, leaving you feeling full longer, and helps with digestion"
>go out and buy two boxes of fiber-heavy breakfast bars
>the first day i have fiber bars for breakfast, lunch and a lot of snacks
>i dont shit that day
>next day i fiber myself up even more
>i dont shit that day either
>fiber jesus is surely working his magic in my colon
>can feel the pounds dropping off because im not very hungry anymore
>i dont shit the third day
>i dont shit the fourth day
>i have my morning coffee and feel my insides rumble in that familiar way
>the second i hit the toilet the weirdest fart in the world exits me
>it's whistling
>just a thin, continuous airstream of fart that smells like grandpapas coffin
>no sound other than the whistling hiss
>suddenly stops
>the hole is plugged
>this shit is so solid it feels like i'm giving anal birth to Dwayne "The rock" Johnson
>hang on to the shower curtain and pray
>the rock is shot out of my asshole at mach speed
>my entire ass is covered in toilet water
>now the fun begins
>a fart that could do more damage to the ozone layer than aerosol ever did is shooting shit bullets out of me
>solid and prefectly round nuggets
>the smell is killing me
>blacking out
>the thuds of nuggets shooting around the bowl propelled by my insane fiber flatulence is giving me war flashbacks
>my guts are yelling in german
>sounds like a moose in heat lives in my belly
>most of the shit isn't even digested at this point
>just forced out by all the gas that had been building up to my throat
>after an hour it finally seems to be over
>im shivering and crying
>both legs collapse as i try to stand up
>my stomach hitting the bathroom tiles forces one last trumpet
>shakily wipe my ass
>completely clean